It’s easier for me to see your wounds
than my own
because I’m so ashamed
of my vulnerability
When you look in my archive on the right side you will discover that I nearly published nothing in the last 2 month (November: 4, October: 4). Compared to September with its 51 posts (!) that is very lousy! Shame on me! :-))
Just kidding. Certainly one reason is the lack of time in the last weeks. I’m absolving a further education for office and simply hadn’t the time to write something. Another reason is that I didn’t really feel inspired to write something. Therefore I admit – my longtime readers certainly have noticed that – I sometimes have published old texts which I still had written and published before. How come? Maybe to have the feeling: hey guys, I’m still existing.
And I like “Likes”. It’s great to get them. Hey, out there in the world are people who feel and think like you. That’s great for your self consciousness. I know that must sound ridiculous for guys with hundreds of likes for 1 post, when they take a look in my top posts list. My most liked post has only 13 Likes. But I assure you the number of Likes isn’t so important for me and in general, and I’m happy about every single one. It’s a matter of your inner attitude. You can be satisfied with 1 Like or dissatisfied, that you haven’t still reach 500 or 1000. Success is relative.
When I started my blogging everything felt new and vibrant. You as a blogger and social media worker know that feeling. But all the excitement and glamor vanished a long time ago. It’s the same with book publishing. I dreamed about becoming a bestseller author. Someone who could live from his writing. But these dreams broke like a fragile vase of glass with flowers falling on the asphalt of reality.
The time of identifying myself proudly with my publishing – I’m a blogger, I’m an author – is over. I question, if I ever have identified myself with it. And my self-image doesn’t depend on it. Maybe one reason may be that I only can write when I’m inspired. If there is no inspiration there are no words. You cannot push inspiration.
It’s naive to think, that everything is possible, if you only try hard enough. When I look back my life seems to be a long list of failures, losses and passed opportunities. But here I am. For me it’s a little miracle: I still can accept myself as I am. Besides my social status, besides my possession, besides the standards of society. On the one hand all my failures and losses let me look through the superficial play of society of possession, good-looking and so called success, on the other hand I’ve been living since my childhood with these words of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount:
No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You can’t serve both God and Mammon. Therefore I tell you, don’t be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? See the birds of the sky, that they don’t sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns. Your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you of much more value than they?
Which of you, by being anxious, can add one moment to his lifespan? Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They don’t toil, neither do they spin, yet I tell you that even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of these. (Matthew 6:24-29)
Finally we don’t have control over our lives. We can undertake efforts as much that it hurts, we can push ourselves, we can force us surpassing our limits but we miss our fulfillment. I learned that in bitter lessons of failure and loss. I am limited. But God doesn’t care. He cares for me. Even more: he loves me like a good father loves his children.
24 A great multitude followed him, and they pressed upon him on all sides. 25 A certain woman, who had an issue of blood for twelve years, 26 and had suffered many things by many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better, but rather grew worse, 27 having heard the things concerning Jesus, came up behind him in the crowd, and touched his clothes. 28 For she said, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be made well.” 29 Immediately the flow of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction. 30 Immediately Jesus, perceiving in himself that the power had gone out from him, turned around in the crowd, and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 His disciples said to him, “You see the multitude pressing against you, and you say, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 He looked around to see her who had done this thing. 33 But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had been done to her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. 34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be cured of your disease.” (Mk 5:25-34)
This healing story is the only one which describes what Jesus felt or what was going on, when Jesus healed people: “Jesus, perceiving in himself that the power had gone out from him…” what makes this story so authentic and is for me a proof that Jesus’ miracles weren’t only thought of by the writers of the New Testament as modern theology often assumed.
A woman who had an “issue with blood” was seen in the Jewish religion as impure and had to stay away from the temple. Usually Jesus touched the sick humans to heal them. But here it is the other way around. The woman by herself takes the initiative and touches Jesus. Is that because she is so self-confident and courageous that she dares to touch Jesus? Yes indeed she is courageous. Therefore because she dares to hope. She risks to be disappointed. She trusts and believes in Jesus who is her last chance. If he can’t help me who else can? She put all her confidence, all her trust not in herself but in Jesus, who doesn’t let her down.
Another word for such an unconditional trust is faith. Later she isn’t fearing and trembling because she has broken a taboo or because of Jesus but she has experienced God’s power which hasn’t only cured her illness but has healed her as whole person. She is well again and can live from now on in peace. The main emphasis is in the penultimate sentence mentioned at first: “Your faith has made you well.” Peace for you and at last “be cured of your disease.”
We hardly have as Christians the healing power of Jesus to heal the bodily diseases nowadays. But we can show people their own value what makes them whole and well inside. We can’t only clarify other humans with words that they are accepted and loved, words are the weakest means in that case, but we can value people by listening to their issues. And we can touch people with our hands. We can show other humans that hands not only injure and hurt but also can be tender.
We know from own experiences how well we feel when we get a friendly and hearty hug without any sexual connotation, without force and without clinging.
I know by own experience how important it is for a wounded soul to be touched. You are appreciated, God’s peace may be with you!
As they went on their way, he entered into a certain village, and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. She had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she came up to him, and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister left me to serve alone? Ask her therefore to help me.”
Jesus answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42)
The hardest thing in life is to do nothing. To hear inside. To listen what’s next. Church and society have been burdening us with a lot of loads. In the old days with religious laws “You have to be this or that way to be alright. God only accepts you, if…”, these days with other words of society but the same meaning “You have to wear this brand of clothes, to use this mobile or to drive this car to be cool. If you don’t travel around the whole world you are boring. If you don’t look like Gisele Bündchen, Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford or Kate Moss, you aren’t beautiful.
Nowadays we understand individuality and self-realization as the “freedom” of choosing between different outfits. But our real inner identity isn’t touched at all by the things we possess and which outfits we wear. Vice versa. Too often we are possessed by the stuff we have, too often we are possessed by our ideas of status, success and luxury. What makes us worthwhile, what gives us value, what makes us precious and lovable are not the things we are possessing outside. Is not a special behavior to fit in society and are not even special character traits too.
I live in an urban settlement where especially poor people live. Most of them hardly have enough money to scratch along. When they allow you a closer look behind their facade and they start telling you their stories, you would be astonished how precious and lovable they are besides their shabby clothes.
Don’t worry how you can please me. Don’t make any effort that I accept you. I know your true self. Come with me. My yoke is easy and my burden is light.