I wish it were Easter…

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Let me be open: I don’t like Christmas at all. Ahww, I know, that sounds harsh. And I have the impression that it gets worse – with my feelings not with Christmas – every year. It has less to do with other people who are alienated to the true meaning of Christmas and mistake shopping and free time with the birth of Christ, which is the real reason why we actually are going to celebrate Christmas.

Christmas is my tender point and my Achilles heel. Normally you could say Dresden with its old buildings and different Christmas Markets like the popular Striezelmarkt with its long tradition is one of the best cities to celebrate Christmas. When you drive through the city you can see into a lot of windows which are richly and carefully decorated with Christmas asseccories. The people of Dresden care about Christmas traditions and build a whole safe world of Christmas memories around themselves.

Additional to this traditional overdose I guess another reason because I’m so depressed during the Christmas time may be the early darkness and the short days with its early darkness because of the winter. But surprise, surprise, I can prophesy for the 2nd January my mood will go up to nearly 100 % and the emotional spell of Christmas over me will be vanishing like a bad dream in the early morning.

If I liked and drank alcohol I certainly would drink alcohol until I become benumbed not to feel my emotions these days. A few years ago I fled to Turkey but nowadays I have neither time nor means to travel. In the lobby of the hotel I was welcomed by a richly decorated Christmas tree. But that wasn’t so bad because the environment was different. Another way to push away my Christmas sadness is to work. I keep myself busy to push aside the past of my safe childhood. A good remedy to deal with my Christmas mood you can see right here: I guess one of the best means is to get familiar with your feelings and to untangle them with words. To accept them and to accept yourself with patience. O.K. that’s the way it is. That’s the way I am. That’s my emotional structure. I overcame it the last years and I will certainly make it this year and in the hopefully following years in the future.

And Christmas is not about my emotional constitution, not about special Christmas feelings which we have cultivated in our western Christmas tradition. As we Mary and Joseph lived in their own daily reality. They were oppressed by the hard life then, dictated by the Roman empire and they were poor. Of course as a man I can’t understand how it is to be pregnant but I assume to travel by feet or on a donkey and to be pregnant certainly wasn’t easy and full of sorrows according to the future. But what at last counted weren’t the hard circumstances but the one who carried Mary in her womb. Looking at him gives me peace. Listening to Mary’s prayer I can find my peace too besides my broken emotional psychic structure according to Christmas.

“My soul magnifies the Lord.
47     My spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior,
48     for he has looked at the humble state of his servant.
For behold, from now on, all generations will call me blessed.
49     For he who is mighty has done great things for me.
    Holy is his name.
50     His mercy is for generations of generations on those who fear him.
51 He has shown strength with his arm.
    He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
52 He has put down princes from their thrones.
    And has exalted the lowly.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things.
    He has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has given help to Israel, his servant, that he might remember mercy,
55     As he spoke to our fathers,
    to Abraham and his offspring forever.” (Luke 1:46-55)

You can’t push inspiration – about blogging and self-image

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When you look in my archive on the right side you will discover that I nearly published nothing in the last 2 month (November: 4, October: 4). Compared to September with its 51 posts (!) that is very lousy! Shame on me! :-))

Just kidding. Certainly one reason is the lack of time in the last weeks. I’m absolving a further education for office and simply hadn’t the time to write something. Another reason is that I didn’t really feel inspired to write something. Therefore I admit – my longtime readers certainly have noticed that – I sometimes have published old texts which I still had written and published before. How come? Maybe to have the feeling: hey guys, I’m still existing.

And I like “Likes”. It’s great to get them. Hey, out there in the world are people who feel and think like you. That’s great for your self consciousness. I know that must sound ridiculous for guys with hundreds of likes for 1 post, when they take a look in my top posts list. My most liked post has only 13 Likes. But I assure you the number of Likes isn’t so important for me and in general, and I’m happy about every single one. It’s a matter of your inner attitude. You can be satisfied with 1 Like or dissatisfied, that you haven’t still reach 500 or 1000. Success is relative.

When I started my blogging everything felt new and vibrant. You as a blogger and social media worker know that feeling. But all the excitement and glamor vanished a long time ago. It’s the same with book publishing. I dreamed about becoming a bestseller author. Someone who could live from his writing. But these dreams broke like a fragile vase of glass with flowers falling on the asphalt of reality.

The time of identifying myself proudly with my publishing – I’m a blogger, I’m an author – is over. I question, if I ever have identified myself with it. And my self-image doesn’t depend on it. Maybe one reason may be that I only can write when I’m inspired. If there is no inspiration there are no words. You cannot push inspiration.

It’s naive to think, that everything is possible, if you only try hard enough. When I look back my life seems to be a long list of failures, losses and passed opportunities. But here I am. For me it’s a little miracle: I still can accept myself as I am. Besides my social status, besides my possession, besides the standards of society. On the one hand all my failures and losses let me look through the superficial play of society of possession, good-looking and so called success, on the other hand I’ve been living since my childhood with these words of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You can’t serve both God and Mammon. Therefore I tell you, don’t be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? See the birds of the sky, that they don’t sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns. Your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you of much more value than they?
Which of you, by being anxious, can add one moment to his lifespan? Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They don’t toil, neither do they spin, yet I tell you that even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of these. (Matthew 6:24-29)

Finally we don’t have control over our lives. We can undertake efforts as much that it hurts, we can push ourselves, we can force us surpassing our limits but we miss our fulfillment. I learned that in bitter lessons of failure and loss. I am limited. But God doesn’t care. He cares for me. Even more: he loves me like a good father loves his children.