Slowly! (Teaser)

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We have stored over time all our experiences – good and bad, comfortable and painful – unconsciously in our hearts. When we begin to trust again because the time is ripe for it or we find someone we can trust in, this trust is often accompanied by the same feelings, which we had when our trust got lost. We learned a special behavior pattern, which is reactivated automatically.

Forcing yourself to break through this automatism is of less use. But to stay in contact with yourself is the solution. What I mentioned earlier: self-understanding is the beginning of self-acceptance and love. Love and trust go hand in hand. And changing not only your behavior patterns but deep inside is not done overnight. This change needs a lot of time. Another word for time is patience. Patience comes along with self-love and self-acceptance and is the entire opposite to forcing yourself.

From Clouds have no influence on the Sun

Out-Sider

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I was forced to change my profile because I put a link in my application to my blog, which already had the new one in. So.

What’s the point? The point is that my old photo was five years old and I was much slimmer. But we are changing. Getting older and hopefully more experienced.

What  a nonsense: I always assumed that you get wiser when you get older – “now you know the things which are important, you know that inside is more important than outside and worse when you are writing about it the whole time in the last years, but you cannot accept that for yourself” – but in some areas you stay the same old fool who you ever have been.

I’ve experienced especially in the last  year that there is a difference between the sense of self and the sense of others. Fortunately. The people around you often already see more of you when you are in contact to them as you suppose. While you are still dealing with your insecurity because you are remembering your “unslim” cheeks and your double chin, they recognize your charisma, your rhetoric and your smile. I can learn from them to accept me as a complete person. Saying that I know the risk getting addicted to that recognition. But what the heck: Life is risky.

You can’t push inspiration – about blogging and self-image

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When you look in my archive on the right side you will discover that I nearly published nothing in the last 2 month (November: 4, October: 4). Compared to September with its 51 posts (!) that is very lousy! Shame on me! :-))

Just kidding. Certainly one reason is the lack of time in the last weeks. I’m absolving a further education for office and simply hadn’t the time to write something. Another reason is that I didn’t really feel inspired to write something. Therefore I admit – my longtime readers certainly have noticed that – I sometimes have published old texts which I still had written and published before. How come? Maybe to have the feeling: hey guys, I’m still existing.

And I like “Likes”. It’s great to get them. Hey, out there in the world are people who feel and think like you. That’s great for your self consciousness. I know that must sound ridiculous for guys with hundreds of likes for 1 post, when they take a look in my top posts list. My most liked post has only 13 Likes. But I assure you the number of Likes isn’t so important for me and in general, and I’m happy about every single one. It’s a matter of your inner attitude. You can be satisfied with 1 Like or dissatisfied, that you haven’t still reach 500 or 1000. Success is relative.

When I started my blogging everything felt new and vibrant. You as a blogger and social media worker know that feeling. But all the excitement and glamor vanished a long time ago. It’s the same with book publishing. I dreamed about becoming a bestseller author. Someone who could live from his writing. But these dreams broke like a fragile vase of glass with flowers falling on the asphalt of reality.

The time of identifying myself proudly with my publishing – I’m a blogger, I’m an author – is over. I question, if I ever have identified myself with it. And my self-image doesn’t depend on it. Maybe one reason may be that I only can write when I’m inspired. If there is no inspiration there are no words. You cannot push inspiration.

It’s naive to think, that everything is possible, if you only try hard enough. When I look back my life seems to be a long list of failures, losses and passed opportunities. But here I am. For me it’s a little miracle: I still can accept myself as I am. Besides my social status, besides my possession, besides the standards of society. On the one hand all my failures and losses let me look through the superficial play of society of possession, good-looking and so called success, on the other hand I’ve been living since my childhood with these words of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount:

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other; or else he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You can’t serve both God and Mammon. Therefore I tell you, don’t be anxious for your life: what you will eat, or what you will drink; nor yet for your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? See the birds of the sky, that they don’t sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns. Your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you of much more value than they?
Which of you, by being anxious, can add one moment to his lifespan? Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They don’t toil, neither do they spin, yet I tell you that even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of these. (Matthew 6:24-29)

Finally we don’t have control over our lives. We can undertake efforts as much that it hurts, we can push ourselves, we can force us surpassing our limits but we miss our fulfillment. I learned that in bitter lessons of failure and loss. I am limited. But God doesn’t care. He cares for me. Even more: he loves me like a good father loves his children.